It's Not Over - Chapter 9 - Broken
Jun. 29th, 2008 06:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
madbottoms
Title: It’s Not over
Chapter: 9/? - Broken
Genre: AU, Jack/Ennis
Warnings/Rating: PG to NC17.
Summary: Jack and Ennis are reunited following fours years apart after being forcibly separated. Can they rebuild and move on?
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie. Any original characters I claim as my own.
A/N: Mega angst again, have a tissue handy. Please don’t hate me but this is the only way I saw things go at this point. L Thanks as always to Jodi for the beta. Any remaining ‘oops’ are mine.
A/N 2: Thanks for being so patient. I know it’s been three weeks since my last post, but I had an extremely big event I had to organise which took up much of my time and had me away from home for a bit. My beta went on vacation (which she is never allowed to again!). Then I busted my ankle - not broken but a bit of nasty ligament damage though. I’m afraid the final reason is mine too. I have been cheating with another fandom. Well two in fact. Dr Who and Torchwood. Jack/Ianto fanfic is so good. The best part about it is that it’s regular canon slash. Yippee! I just love them and I have to say that Captain Jack has stolen my heart. John Barrowman does a wonderful job and he is such a talented overall entertainer. If you get the chance listen to him sing. He’s on in the background now. I have all his stuff. But I digress. Never fear though, I will not abandon my boys here and this series will get finished.
So now back to the story……which I had to do in two posts becuase apparently it was too damn big. Arrggghhhhhh!
~~~
Ennis glared dangerously from the back door. “So this is where ya took off to earlier. I mighta known. It's where ya always fuckin' run to... away from me and ours!”
“Ennis?! It’s not what it looks like...” Jack took a few steps toward his lover, but stopped at the look in his eyes.
“And what do ya think it looks like? You spend all ya fuckin’ time here and now I come and find ya in his arms, all cozy and close." The sarcasm wasn't lost on either man, but he didn't give them a chance to respond, just barrelling on. "I came here to see if I could help ya and instead yer pourin' yer heart out to him. What about me, Jack, or us for that matter? Seems like it's to hell with me, from where I'm standin'. Damn, I'm such a fool." He shook his head, then squared his shoulders, standing straight and throwing his chin out. "Well, fuck you. Looks like ya got all the help ya need.” Ennis turned to go and was stopped by Rufus.
“Now you wait a goddamn minute, friend.”
“Get out a my way ‘fore I move ya, ‘friend’.”
“Ennis, please don’t... don't leave like this.”
“Be smart to keep ya mouth shut, Jack. Never were good at that, at least where others were concerned, so this would be one of those times ya take that advice. Haven’t had much to say to me lately, so don’t go changing that now, not on my account.”
“Maybe you should shut your trap, Ennis, and just fucking listen.” Rufus demanded. “You’re the one who wanted to know what the fuck was going on. Well, here’s your chance. I mean to get ya talking to each other and not at each other, if at all possible. I can surely tell you this was not what I had planned for my day, but fuck it all if it ain’t gonna work out to my liking. So sit your fucking asses down, both of ya, and listen up!” Rufus was red in the face after his tirade, but it was needed to make these two boneheads listen.
He saw his wife standing by the door, a knowing smile on her face. “Everything okay out here, boys? How about I get some refreshments and then you fellas can cool down a bit before y’all blow a gasket.”
“As always, sweetheart, you are full of wisdom.” He blew his wife a kiss and motioned for both Jack and Ennis to sit. Neither had moved before Ellen came back out with three beers and left them to themselves. “Now play nice boys. I don’t want to have to hose y’all down. But I will if I have to.”
There was an awkward silence as the men stood staring at each, posturing and trying to gauge the others' state of mind. Rufus looked back and forth between Jack and Ennis and shook his head in consternation. He was really gonna have to push real hard. "I said sit, damn it. NOW!"
After searching Ennis' face, wondering how receptive he'd be to what he needed to finally say, Jack decided he'd give it a go when he saw the flash of raw pain, then weary resignation cross his lover's face. He knew this would be one of the hardest conversations he'd ever have with him, but felt Ennis deserved to know the truth. At the very least, an abridged version of it. It was one step at a time, and this step was far overdue. Yet he still felt a hand holding him back, squeezing his guts until he was twisted up inside again.
They both took their seats, on opposite sides of the outdoor table. Rufus sat off to the side, so as not to distract them, but lend silent support… for now. He waited to see what tact Jack would take, and hoped his friend would do the right thing... the stubborn ass! He only hoped that Ennis would let him, or all this would be for nothing. After his phone call the previous evening, Rufus believed that maybe the situation wasn’t hopeless and that they could begin to heal at last.
It took a few minutes, with Jack shifting and sipping his beer, clearing his throat a few times. Ennis was trying to be patient, but he was as anxious as his mate was, but for different reasons. He didn't know how much more distance from him he could take, and was at a total loss as to how to get through to him. He'd tried everything else, and thought maybe Rufus was onto something here. He wanted Jack to know he was still there for him, after all this time, even after all that had happened.
"Okay, dar... Jack, I'm listenin'," he murmured quietly, expectantly.
Jack looked up at his lover’s anxious stare, but then looked back down, picking at the label on his bottle. He knew how much he'd hurt Ennis, and accepted the correction of his pet name, he knew how emotions ruled when that endearment was used. He just hoped that his guts would untwist and his head clear enough to be able to open up like he wanted to, like he needed to. The rift was getting wider and wider. He could feel his body shake and was terrified that it would all be for nothing. He took a couple of deep breaths, then started slowly in a monotone, trying to focus on the salient points.
“Things happened in my past that I've never told you about, and more stuff in prison that I wish I'd never have to tell anyone, ever. I lost myself in that prison, Ennis. I'm tellin' ya, it takes away pieces of yourself, the very parts that make ya who you are.
“I’m such a screw up, Ennis and I know I’ve hurt ya, am hurtin’ ya, but it wasn't ever intentional... even if it seemed that way at times. Maybe you oughta just be rid of me, since you’re just gonna end up hating me because…. because I still don’t think I can talk about these things with ya…” Jack stood up abruptly and scraped his hand through his hair. “I just don’t know how to… I can’t do this.”
“You gotta talk to me. It’s tearin’ us apart, Jack.” Ennis looked at him, his eyes pleading. “I know somethin’ happened to ya in jail. But it’s more than that, too. It’s got somethin’ to do with yer Daddy. What happened last night freaked us both out. Please, Jack, don’t shut me out no more... please, darlin’. Those things I don’t know about, they’re tearin’ us apart.”
“I’m a worthless piece a shit and ya deserve better. Go, just go, forget about me. I don’t deserve you or your love. You need to go, just go.” With that, Jack took off inside and the front screen could be heard slamming shut behind him.
“Everything okay out here?” Ellen came outside to make sure things were fine.
“Yeah, honey, we’re okay. Jack just needed some time on his own. But Ennis and I are just gonna sit here and talk some more. Isn’t that right, Ennis?” Rufus raised his eyebrows in question and Ennis grunted his agreement.
“Alright. Why don’t I get you boys another drink? Would you like a snack or something, Mr del Mar?” Ellen offered.
“Don’t think I could eat anything right now, ma’am, but another drink would go down good.”
“That’s fine, be back in just a minute.”
“So, Ennis. I know this is confusin' the crap outta ya and I feel for you, friend. Jack is just as confused, believe me, and I know it’s pains him to see what he doing to you.”
“Yeah, well…”
“Here we are, boys. If y’all need anything else, just call out. I’ll leave you to it.” Ellen left them to their discussion, knowing that Ennis would probably have a hard enough time opening up to her husband, let alone to her. She did not want to hinder any progress that might be made in helping Jack.
“Look, Ennis, there’s been some bad shit that went down in Jack’s life,” Rufus continued.
“I know.”
“Do ya really?”
“No, not really, because he won’t tell me,” Ennis admitted honestly. “I thought I did, but I guess I was wrong. I wanna be there for him but he keeps shuttin’ me out. It’s fuckin killin’ me to see him like this and it’s killin’ our relationship. I don’t know how much more I can take. Nothing I say or do gets through to him; nothing seems to help and at this point, I don’t really know if I want to keep trying.”
“Ennis, being here shows that ya do. I know ya wanna help Jack. You love him and that’s the most important thing.”
"Damn it, Rufus! That's it in a nutshell, but it don't matter none to him. I might as well be invisible half the time, and the other half, he can't stand for me to be too close. It's so hard. We can’t keep living like this."
“Let me fill you in on a little of Jack’s time inside. The time when you thought Jack was sick and ya couldn’t see him for a while …well, he was sick... but not like ya thought. You see, Jack was a bit of an easy target for some of those fuckwits inside, and as much as I tried to protect him, I couldn’t be there all the time.” Rufus ducked his head in shame at those memories. He had beaten himself up mentally for that so many times. “He was attacked real bad one time and it almost killed him. He survived physically, but the scars he has go much deeper. They did a real number on him mentally, too.”
“D…did they r…rape him?” Ennis whispered stutteringly. He had to ask, no matter the answer.
Rufus looked Ennis straight in the eye. “They tried to, but no. They taunted him and debased him like he was nothin'.” Rufus stopped for a second before continuing. “I know this is hard to hear, but you wanted to know. He fought them hard and managed to crack open the skull of one of his attackers. That man never spoke right again. A fact I’m not heartbroken over. But it was three to one and the other two guys subdued and beat him to within an inch of his life. Jack was found in a bloody heap with his pants around his ankles.”
An unearthly growl came from Ennis’ throat and he leapt from his bench, sending it flying out behind him. He screamed out in frustration and turned to Rufus. “Where the fuck were ya - his protector?”
Rufus looked at him calmly, not taking offence. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I told you, I couldn’t be there all the time. Ya think I haven’t beat myself up about it? If it’s any consolation, the other two guys haven’t walked the same ever since.” A small smile of satisfaction swept over Rufus’ face.
“If it were me, it woulda’ been more than that.”
“That’s beside the point now.”
“Yeah, well, whatever.” He sat back down, scrubbing his hands against his pant legs, his palms itching to beat the shit outta those guys all over again. He looked back to Rufus, waiting for him to continue.
“Anyway, after that, Jack kinda withdrew into himself. Sadly, and so wrongly, he was put in solitary confinement for his own protection and by the time he was let out, he was a mess. Did he ever tell you about his father?”
“A little. He told me that he was dead and not sorry about it. I know he used to beat up on him a bit.”
“A little more than a bit. His father was a cruel man. He’d beat him and lock him away just for breathing sometimes. Made him feel worthless and undeserving. He made him feel like the lowest thing on earth. He never told you how his parents died?”
Ennis shook his head. “I feel as though I don’t know anything anymore.”
“There was a fire and Jack blamed himself. His father he couldn’t give a shit about, but his mother died in the fire, too. She made him leave and he never saw her again. Those guys in prison brought a lot of those feelings to the surface with their taunts, and afterwards, he kind of lost it until he just didn’t talk at all.”
“I was told he had glandular fever. Fuckin’ bastards. I had a right to know. They wouldn’t tell me anything more, ‘cause I wasn’t his immediate family.”
“I’m sorry, Ennis. During that time, I managed to get myself assigned to the hospital ward and I talked to him every day. I would tell him that he had to come back to us, and to the one who loves him. I told him not to give up. Eventually he came back, but he wasn’t the same person. More closed off and quiet than ever.”
“Yeah,” Ennis agreed sadly. “It kills me that ya know all this stuff and he can talk to ya so freely. And even knowing how much he has been through, I just feel so…fuck, I don’t know anymore, ya know. I just want my Jack back, Rufus. I want him to let me in, but he won’t and I can’t stand it no more.”
“But you love him. I know that, and like I said he loves you, too. Ya just gotta hang in a bit longer.”
“Yeah, well maybe that love isn’t as strong as ya thought. I’m so ready to just chuck it all in. Jack don’t want my help, so maybe I should just do us both a favour. Maybe I should give him the space he wants…”
The screen door creaked open and there was Jack, face red and eyes all puffy from crying. It was obvious he had been listening for most of the conversation.
“Jack?” Ennis got to his feet when he saw Jack come back out, taking in the effects the crying had done to his lover. “Are ya okay, Jack?”
“No, not really. But thanks for askin’.” Jack said blandly. "Well, I guess we’re finally agreein’ on somethin’, hey, Cowboy?”
“What’re ya talkin’ about, Jack?”
“We agree that ya should go. I ain’t worth it, ya know. All I do is cause ya pain.”
“No, Jack. I need you with me. Let me in. Let me help you. I can’t help ya fix it, if ya won’t let me,” Ennis begged.
“I don’t think you can fix it, Ennis.”
“Don’t say that. And yer right, I can't do it alone, because I need ya to help me to help ya, bud. At least let me try to help. Let's try to fix it together.” Tears of pain and frustration were building and Ennis was ready to break down. He needed to be strong, though, to hold it together for both their sakes, but Jack was wearing him down, piece by piece.
“Nah, Ennis. Ya can’t fix this one.”
“Ya said to me once, ‘let’s live the sweet life’... well, I’m trying to live it, but ya don’t want to anymore. Yeah, there’s been some obstacles, but fuck it all, Jack. I’m trying my fuckin’ hardest. I can’t stand this no more.”
“Then maybe ya should just quit me for good. I know ya wanna. Do us both a favour.”
“What? Ya really mean that?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know what I mean anymore. That’s probably why it’s such a good idea ya do go, Ennis.”
“Yeah, okay. Fine, Jack. You win.” Ennis’ shoulders slumped in defeat, as if all the fight had been sucked out of him once and for all. “I’ll go all right. Tell ya what, though, ya better fuckin’ decide what ya really want, because I don’t think I can take much more. I don’t know how much longer I can wait around for ya to let me in and be part of yer life again.” Ennis grabbed his hat from the table, nodded to Rufus, who looked at him sadly, and then he brushed past Jack and walked away.
"Well, Jack Twist, ya really fuckin’ did it this time. Ya gonna let him... that man you love, and who loves you somethin' fierce, just walk away?"
"Yep, that's what's best."
"For who, Jack? Certainly not the person I'm looking at now or that broken man who just left."
"Stay outta this, Rufus. I know what I'm doing."
"The fuck I will, you stupid asshole. I’m your friend and I’m trying to help you. Let me do that.” He walked close and gripped Jack's shoulder. “I love ya, Kid, and I hate seeing ya like this. It’s tearing me apart too. I really think ya should get counselling. Go see that one gal the prison shrink told you about. I think it would really help because what I’m seeing is you falling apart more each day and it scares the fuck out of me, Jack.”
“I don’t need no one fuckin’ telling me I got problems. I already went over this with Ellen. Thank you very much, by the way.”
“Hey! She loves you, too, ya know... she only wants what’s best for both of you. And for what it’s worth, I believe it would help ya reconcile what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“No-one’s gonna be able to take away the pain, Rufus.”
“No, they can’t, but maybe this doctor can help ya understand that it’s not your fault. You’re the victim Jack. But remember, so is Ennis.
“Your not the only one who got hurt here, Jack. Ya know the saying about those that get left behind? Well, Ennis got left behind. Ya think you have the monopoly on pain, Jack? Well, get the fuck over it. I know it was shit for ya and I don’t mean to belittle your experience none, but fuck it, man, Ennis wants to help so much and you just push him further away each day. I know ya think you did him wrong and hey ya have, Kid, but that’s the least of your worries right now. Ya need to let someone help you get past some of this shit, pal. Ya gotta be strong Jack, or your gonna lose more than Ennis.
“Don’t leave it all behind. And if you don’t go chase him now, I swear you will lose him this time. There was so much love in those eyes of his just now, but he’s ready to give up. It’s killing him as much as it will kill you if ya let this go on." He forced Jack to look into his eyes. “Do ya wanna see that happen?”
“Fuckin’ ‘course I don’t. I love him more than ya know, more than anything in this world.”
“Yet you still haven’t told him that.”
“Ya see? I’m so fucked up, Rufus.”
“Then do something about it. Damn it, Jack!”
“Ya think I like bein’ this way? Ya think I like makin’ him feel like shit? Makin him feel... worthless.” Jack stopped at his last words and keened loudly. “Oh, god, I’ve made him feel exactly how my daddy made me feel. Oh, holy fuck, what have I done?”
~~~
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
¡Dios mio!
on 2008-06-29 10:19 am (UTC)This chapter yours has been the auction ... to mourn a little more.
Carmen
Thank you for this story
Re: ¡Dios mio!
on 2008-06-29 11:23 am (UTC)Yes it is hard chapter but it was necessary.
Thanks for reading.
Hugs
Sandy
no subject
on 2008-06-29 05:45 pm (UTC)“I’m a worthless piece a shit and ya deserve better. Go, just go, forget about me. I don’t deserve you or your love. You need to go, just go.” With that, Jack took off inside and the front screen could be heard slamming shut behind him.