It's Not Over - Chapter 3 - Insecure

[madbottoms]

   

Title: It’s Not over

Chapter: 3/? –  Insecure

Genre: AU, Jack/Ennis

Warnings/Rating: PG to NC17.

Summary: Jack and Ennis are reunited following fours years apart after being forcibly separated. Can they rebuild and move on?

Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie. Any original characters I claim as my own.

A/N: Thanks again to everyone who commented on the last chapter and to Jodi for the beta.  J Any remaining ‘oops’ are mine.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Ennis’ world had been turned upside down when he had met Jack. It was like a whirlwind had come and scooped him up and its name was Jack Twist. He loved Jack more than he could ever express in words. So Ennis had done it the only other way he knew how. He made their dream come true. He built them their sweet life. But somehow in his kindness he had hurt Jack and in turn, Jack had hurt Ennis. Jack’s lack of acceptance of what was right in front of him confused Ennis. What did Jack want from him? Did he want him to throw it all back and start again? Had everything he achieved for them been a waste? All these questions swirled in Ennis’ head and he really had no answers. Only Jack could answer them, but Jack wasn’t there. There first major fight since Jack’s return had left a mark on Ennis’ heart and mind and he still wondered if he could have said or done something more that day.

 

After Jack stormed off that day, Ennis had not followed Jack; it would only have made things worse. He knew that. Hours passed and still Jack had not returned so he went in search for him. Ennis came upon him in Sunny’s stall, brushing her down and humming a sad tune. It was eating him up inside that Jack was hurting. Ennis was a realist and knew that he couldn’t just wave a magic wand and make everything ok, but he had hoped that Jack would let him in. Ennis knew that to move forward, they had to do it together.

 

“Hey, Rodeo, have a good ride?” Ennis asked softly, hoping he didn’t startle him.

 

“It was okay, I guess. I missed riding. Nothing like being out there in the fields. Reminds me of before,” he said wistfully but kept on grooming his horse. “And ya get to thinkin’…”

 

“What do ya think of, Jack?” Ennis asked.

 

“Oh, just stuff, ya know.”

 

“Feel like sharing them thoughts?”

 

“Not now, okay, Ennis.” Jack stopped brushing and faced his partner. “I’m sorry about blowin’ up before.”

 

“I’m sorry, too.”

 

“What are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong but give me everything I ever wanted and I just fuck it all up by practically throwing it all back at ya’. Real class act, huh, Ennis?”

 

Ennis noticed Jack getting agitated again and moved quickly to calm him. “Darlin’, please don’t. It’ll be okay. We just need to work it out together. Can ya do that?” Ennis walked closer to Jack and stood beside him.

 

“I’m trying ya know, Ennis. But it’s all so much,” Jack’s voice broke. “Just give me some time, will ya?”

 

“Yeah, Jack, I can do that. C’mere.” Jack allowed Ennis to pull him into a hug and Ennis wrapped his arms tight around Jack.” Just please don’t shut me out, darlin’ and we can work it all out.”

 

Ennis was just thankful that Jack still let Ennis comfort him in this way. If he wasn’t able to do that, Ennis thought they would be truly lost.

 

~~~

 

A month had gone by since Jack had been home and he was still having a hard time adjusting to life back with Ennis. His life had been so regimented for so long that the simplest freedom was still overwhelming to him. On a good day he was able to go out in the field and ride Sunny. He would ride for hours when he went out, relishing the quietness and solitary moments he got from being out there on his own. He didn’t mind being alone, that was never a problem, it was being forced into it and being shut away on his own that got him scared. Being locked up had rekindled ghosts from the past, ghosts he had wanted to remain there. He thought he had gotten past all that shit but life always did have a way of throwing crap back in your face when you thought everything was perfect. His insecurities were multi-layered and his experiences in jail had only served to give them power he thought he’d been able to deplete many years before. And those ghosts were back to haunt him.

 

Ennis had been patient and loving. Jack appreciated it for the most part but sometimes he just wanted to scream at him to stop being so damn sweet. It made him want to tear his hair out. He knew he had asked Ennis to be patient with him but even so, it drove him crazy. It was just another thing that had changed. Ennis had never been that patient before.

 

Yet they would still argue and Ennis would act as if it was nothing, then when Jack would apologise, Ennis would say there was no need. And that made him want to scream even more. It was Jack’s fault they were in this situation. He had fucked it up, yet Ennis seemed to think it was all okay and that everything was normal.

 

Well that just wasn’t the case. There were times Jack would catch Ennis watching him and he would see a look of such sadness there. Jack knew he was the one that put that look on his beautiful face and it made him feel even worse. He had fractured their dream and now it had gone on without him. He was such a fuckin waste of space. His daddy had been right after all.

 

Jack was distant, avoiding any type of intimacy. They would sleep in the same bed, and he would find that by morning they were spooned and when he needed it, Ennis would comfort him and hold him and tell him things would be okay. Jack cherished these moments and enjoyed being held by Ennis, but anything that could be taken as sexual wasn't allowed. Jack’s excuses at the start had been that he wasn’t ready and then that soon turned into being tired. His lack of intimacy with Ennis wasn’t the fact that there was no interest. He wanted to be with Ennis, his body told him so and so did his heart. It was his head that was his biggest obstacle. He wanted to be loved but had a voice in his head telling him he didn’t deserve it.

 

Ennis’ very presence could turn him on. The timbre in his voice, the way his body moved on a horse, even the little bit of hair that curled down and sat snug against his temple. Jack wanted to be with him, he just couldn’t. And he knew this was confusing and hurting Ennis. He was hurting the man who he loved and the man who had done so much for him. He knew he had to fix this, he just didn’t think he could right now.

 

Jack would watch Ennis work with the animals, with the help of the other farm hands and marvelled at how well he did his job. It was like a well-oiled machine and all he had to do was sit back and watch it all happen. The operation was large enough that Ennis couldn’t work it on his own and had hired the two hands a couple of years back. Ennis had said that it was a new beginning for them and this was just the start. He talked about extending further, getting some new clients in. He told Jack he thought that would be right up his alley. Jack had always liked to talk up a storm and why not use it to drum up more business. Ennis reckoned Jack could convince a drowning man to buy a drink. They really needed to find the time to sit and talk about how to go forward with the idea. It really did seem the ideal job for Jack. And maybe get things back on track.

 

Jack discovered that their old boss, Bill Cobb, had mentored Ennis by offering business advice and putting him onto a few contacts. Jack had to hand it to Bill; he’d always been a good man and had wished them well when he and Ennis had bought their place. They had, of course, still worked the Circle J for a while and he had been thankful that Bill had been so accepting of their lifestyle. In fact, Bill had even been out to visit Jack since he’d been home, offering advice and whatnot to him and letting him know that he was there is Jack needed anything. 

 

Even though Jack worked the farm, he still didn’t think his contribution was anything more than what a general hand did. He could do that back on Bill’s spread, but this was his place and yet he still didn’t really know where he fit in to all of it. He put his back into the work anyway, wearing himself out completely, so that by the end of the day he would practically fall asleep on his feet. Most of the time he would work on his own or with the other hands and they got on well, which was one positive thing.

 

His time with Ennis was limited by doing this and that suited him fine. There were times, of course, when they couldn’t avoid working together, sweating together, and these times reminded Jack of when they had first met at the Circle J Ranch, all them years ago. Jack had been rodeoing for a couple of seasons, straight out of school, but was forced to quit from too many injuries.

 

From the moment they had set eyes on each other, there was really no turning back. They clicked immediately and things moved very quickly indeed. Jack had never believed in that shit before, but there was something about that stalwart cowboy that won Jack over from the beginning. Ennis was a contradiction to Jack, though, because as shy as Ennis could be sometimes, there was a fire within him that could scorch you and he taught Jack a few things he surely didn’t believe possible.

 

~~~

 

Jack drove up the road to the Circle J ranch after hearing they were looking for some hands. His days of riding bulls were over and he needed to find a job. His truck spluttered its way forward, backfiring as it went along. It was definitely on its way out and he was lucky he had made it this far. He pulled in beside the barn and got out, slamming the door. “Damn piece a shit!” Jack cursed his truck as he kicked the tyre.

 

As he looked, up he saw a lithe figure leaning up against the wall with his hat pulled over his eyes and his head down as if he was in a doze. Jack thought he looked every bit like the Marlboro Man. He approached the cowboy, not seeing anyone else around and as he did so, the man looked up and Jack felt as if the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

 

“Can I help ya, bud?” he said in a sweet honey voice, and Jack melted.

 

“Um… ah, yeah. I heard there was work goin’ out here and was lookin’ for Bill,” he finally managed.

 

“Well now, the boss ain’t here right now, but I reckon I can show ya 'round some. He shouldn’t be too long.” Ennis looked Jack up and down, sizing him up and taking him all in, unable to quench the feelings stirring at the sight of this man.

 

“That’s kind of ya, friend.” He held out his hand. “Jack Twist.”

 

“Ennis,” he took Jack’s hand and shook it and definitely felt something sizzle up his arm then straight down to his groin.

 

“Your folks just stop at Ennis?”

 

“del Mar.”

 

“Well nice to know ya, Ennis del Mar.” Jack grinned. “And now that we've been properly introduced, I reckon I’m ready for that tour.”

 

Ennis’s tour was short but informative. Jack found Ennis knew a lot about the Circle J and although he wasn’t the foreman, he was the lead hand and was shown respect by the other hands they happened to come across that morning.

 

Jack listened raptly to Ennis, his voice sending shivers through Jack’s body. He couldn’t stop looking at him, his eyes mapping Ennis’s firm, athletic body, and at one point when Ennis stopped and stared back, Jack smiled brazenly, not embarrassed in the least to have been caught checking him out.

 

They stood in the middle of one of the smaller barns, the air thick with not only the heat but also something much more. It was almost if some unspoken deal was brokered between their souls that neither was able to renege on and a fire burned deep down.

 

The spell was broken when a tall, cheerful looking man walked over to them and introduced himself as Bill Cobb, owner of the Circle J. It turned out Bill was his own foreman and liked to get stuck into it with the rest. Jack liked him immediately and they talked for a while, Jack having explained that Ennis had been kind enough to show him around a bit, with which he seemed very pleased.

 

Mr Cobb noticed that Ennis was easy around him and that boded well for the ranch and he needed his hands to get on for the work to get done and hired Jack on the spot, instinctively knowing he’d get his money’s worth in Jack. And Jack just may have just found his bonus…in the form of one fine cowboy.

 

“Okay, boys, I got some paperwork to do, so I trust Ennis to show you to your bunkhouse, Jack and get ya settled and then ya can get straight ta work if ya like.” Mr Cobb shook Jack’s hand and left them on their own.

 

“Well I guess that settles my employment woes.” Jack smiled.

 

“Sure enough. Let’s get ya sorted then, bud, and we’ll get ya ta working.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure ya will, friend.”

 

Ennis coughed and walked ahead and if Jack wasn’t mistaken he caught Ennis trying to discretely fix his package as he did so. Jack’s smile got wider and he followed. He reckoned he’d follow him anywhere.

 

The Cobb ranch wasn't overly large, but it was definitely busy enough to warrant a dozen ranch hands at any given time. The work was hard, with long hours and buckets of sweat, but it was good money for an honest days' work, and exactly what Jack was looking for.

 

Unfortunately for Jack, it would be a few days until they were able to get it together. Jack’s first days were hard and it had been a while since he’d had to get up at the crack of dawn and work for hours without a break. But he enjoyed the work and he got to work with Ennis, even if others were around.

 

They would flirt inconspicuously so as not to arouse any suspicion and their eyes would send little messages that seemed to be understood by the other. It was almost too much to handle and Jack wanted to rip his clothes off and take him like an animal on the barn floor. But he held himself in check until the moment came where he could actually get Ennis alone.

 

 And on the third afternoon of sweating and grunting in the cleanest possible way, Jack made plans to remedy that and turn into something dirtier. At knock off time, Jack went in search of Ennis, finding him alone in the main barn.

 

“Say, how ‘bout you and me go grab a drink?” Jack asked.

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

“I reckon we oughta’ take your car though, bud, don’t think mine would make it.”

 

“I got a better idea. I have me a fine bottle a whiskey in my cabin, care ta share that?” Ennis offered, jumping in with both feet.

 

“Ya sure about that?” Jack asked, his eyes conveying the meaning, but already knowing the answer. Ennis wanted this as much as him

 

“You bet!”

 

“Give me five to shower and I’m all yours.” In more ways than one, Jack thought.

 

Almost exactly five minutes later a clean, and still damp Jack Twist, sauntered over to Ennis. He didn’t fail to notice the appreciative look sent his way either.

 

“Okay, let’s go,” Ennis invited.

 

“Lead the way.”

 

The cabin was hand-picked by Ennis. Not only was it the nicest of the cabins offered to the hands, it was also in a prime location; set back a bit from the ranch buildings, and off the beaten path. Having been one of the longest serving employees and lead hand, he had gotten first choice. He was lucky enough not to have to share. It had a great view, and the sunrise was pretty as a picture come mornin' time. Privacy was hard to come by on a busy, working farm, but he'd earned it. He wasn't afraid to pull his weight, and old man Cobb knew that. He left Ennis to his own devices, as long as there weren't no trouble and Ennis made sure there wasn’t any. Ennis led Jack to his cabin, giving him a bit more information about the spread, as well as a few general details about his own life.

 

"Here ya go, bud," Ennis said, handing Jack a tumbler of liquor. He gave a wide grin as their fingers brushed and he felt the slight shiver Jack didn't bother to hide. He reckoned subtle didn't work for either of them, and was damned grateful for small favours. They sat on the tiny front porch steps for a bit, staring up at the million-star light show, and sharing heated glances as they sipped their drinks. As the warmth of the whiskey spread through their bodies, so did the lust they were building for each other. They talked about the weather a bit, swapped stories about a couple of rodeo regulars they both knew, and a little bit of Circle J gossip, Ennis giving Jack an idea of what he should expect working there that he hadn’t already picked up.

 

It was like foreplay how they spoke to each other, trying to get a reaction; feeling the flush of pleasure when a deep chuckle slithered down a spine or the flash of heat when their bodies brushed together. Hours passed before they knew it, but neither cared. It's as if the spell cast that first day in the barn had increased in strength, bonding them together. And they each sensed how deep and true that bond went.

 

All of that, even before their first kiss. But when that first kiss finally came, their fate was sealed and a love was forged that they believed could never be broken and never grow old.

 

Ennis had taught Jack that love didn’t have to be earned or won like a prize, it just happened and Jack fell into that love head-over-heels, like he had never known love before. Ennis loved him so well it took his breath away each time he looked at him. He felt safe and secure with Ennis and that was something that he had never really known.

 

~~~

 

Jack knew that Ennis had put everything he was into their love and sometimes it was so much he thought he would explode. Even so, Ennis could still be a bit of a loner and unsure of himself. That part of Ennis seemed to have disappeared and a different Ennis had emerged since he’d been gone. It seemed that the tables had turned and now Jack was the insecure one, unsure of his place, especially his place with Ennis.

 

Working with Ennis was difficult because it did bring back memories. Happy ones true enough but that’s what made them so hard. Just thinking about it got him heat up and his body told him one thing and his mind another. When they’d got all worked up after a hard day, it was only a matter of time before they got all worked up a different way. That was what he thought about and it was driving him crazy.

 

On a few occasions, lately, he had looked at Ennis and saw the need and the lust there. His own body had reacted so much that the desire would take over his mind and he would decide it was the moment and step toward his man. But then flashes of past events would go through his mind and he would step back in fear and with a feeling that he did not deserve to be loved. He knew this confused the shit out of Ennis and he felt like such a tease but each time he thought he could do it, something would stop him.

 

A couple of times Jack had tried to tell Ennis how bad it was and what he was feeling, but he couldn’t. He was sure Ennis wouldn’t understand. He couldn’t possibly understand all that Jack had gone through. What he didn't realise, though, was that he was cheating Ennis out of the chance of helping him by not even giving him the opportunity to.

 

He did have someone to talk to, however. Jack had bonded with another inmate through circumstances. He had been assigned as Rufus’ cellmate and he’d helped Jack survive physically, if not mentally; sometimes even protecting him from the degenerates who would prey on the weaker person. He taught Jack how to not show fear and to become invisible. It had worked for the most part but the fear was always there no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

 

Rufus and Jack became close, closer than Jack thought he could be to anyone, with the exception of Ennis, that is. But now he felt he was as far away from Ennis as he could be. Ennis was there for him, wanted to help him and all Jack could think of right now was that he needed Rufus. Jack missed his friend; he missed Rufus’ laugh and happy demeanour, and his optimism, even if they had been locked away from the rest of the world. He also missed the ability Rufus had to put Jack at ease, but most of all he missed the talks they’d had. He really needed to talk to Rufus. He needed him to tell him everything was gonna be okay.

 

~~~

 

TBC

 

Comments

[madbottoms.livejournal.com]

Hi Debra

We'll be seeing a little more of the past through flashbacks just to see what things were like before. I'm glad you feel better knowing a little about how they came together.

As for Jack's need for Rufus, it's strange how you think when you'r forced with a dilemma. Sometimes you push a way those who need you most and want to help.

Thanks for reading.

Hugs

Sandy