It's Not Over - Chapter 7b

[madbottoms]

...continuing on...

An hour later, they sat at the table eating dinner in silence, neither very talkative. It was stifling in there, the mood so thick you could cut it.

 

“Ennis?”

 

“Whut?”'

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“So you said.”

 

“Look, I don’t wanna fight.”

 

“Me neither, Jack. Answers are all I want, but you don’t seem to wanna give ‘em to me. So let’s just leave it.” Ennis stood, collecting his plate from the table. “You finished?” he asked sullenly, and picked up Jack’s plate when he nodded.

 

Ennis moved to the sink and literally threw the plates in the sink, the sound of cracking plates following. “Fuck.” Ennis swore and picked the smashed pieces up only to quickly drop them again. “God damn it!"

 

“Ennis? You okay?” Jack jumped up from his seat and ran over to Ennis to see him holding a bloody hand. Jack grabbed a tea towel and wrapped his hand up. “Here, let me help you, Cowboy.”

 

“Fuck you, Jack, and don’t fuckin’ call me that. I can’t stand hearin' it right now and I sure as fuck don’t want your help,” Ennis sneered. “So leave me the fuck alone. Works both ways, 'buddy'.”

 

Ennis turned away and opened a cupboard, searching for the first aid kit. After finding it, he returned to the sink and put his hand under the faucet to let the water wash away the blood. It wasn’t too bad and after he cleaned it up, he started covering it with gauze and tape. 

 

Jack felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Up until now, Ennis had been loving and understanding, but then all men had a breaking point. Perhaps Ennis had finally come to his. 

 

“You think this is easy for me? You just don’t get it, Ennis,” he said quietly. “Shit…sometimes even I don’t. I know you wanna help me, but you can’t. Not right now. I need to work this out on this my own.”

 

“On yer own, huh?” He finished wrapping his hand up in a bandage and looked back at Jack. “Is that why you’re always with Rufus? You talk to him all the time. Explain that to me.”

 

“He knows. He understands.”

 

“How can I even try to understand? You never talk to me. Damn it, Jack, I thought we were gonna be in this together. Be there for each other.”

 

“Not this time, Ennis. Not yet. I’m sorry.”

 

“I don’t wanna hear no more fuckin’ ‘SORRY’!”

 

Jack flinched. “I don’t know what else to say to you. I have to work it out on my own.”

 

“On your own... yeah. You just go to Rufus and do what you do with him. God, I don’t know what you do with him. You haven’t even had the courtesy to introduce us. You could be screwing around with him for all I know.”

 

“Oh, no, you did not just say that, Ennis del Mar! I cannot believe you just said that. You think I would do that to you, huh? Or to Ellen? Hell with you!” Jack was thunderstruck, shocked to think Ennis could believe that of him.

 

“I don’t know, Jack. You do a lot of things I don’t know about. You go out and don’t come home till late. You don’t fuckin’ talk to me and it’s driving me crazy. I fuckin’ love you and you won’t let me near you, you won’t let me love you, and you won’t talk to me. What am I supposed to think? It’s been three months since you came home and I can count the times on one hand that you’ve let me touch you. The closest we came was a few weeks ago and you freaked out. And I know somethin’ happened, Jack, even if you say it didn’t. It’s fuckin’ killin’ me.”

 

It had been so hard for Ennis; he’d always been one to keep everything bottled up. But the pressure was building up to boiling point and he was on the threshold. He felt as if he would explode. 

 

“You say it’s been hard for you, Jack fuckin’ Twist? Well, I’ll tell ya what, bud, it’s been hard for me, too. You think I liked having you away from me all those years? You think I was havin’ a party out here? You think my heart wasn’t breakin’? Seein’ you fall apart before my very eyes. I hate seeing you like this. I fuckin’ hate what that place done to you, done to us. It fucked more than one life up, you know.”

 

“I ain’t fucked up, Ennis. I ain’t and you just shut the fuck up. You son of a whoreson bitch. Don’t you say that! You don’t know nothin’,” Jack shouted furiously, his fist clenched at his side.

 

“And whose fault is that?” Ennis screamed back, tears of frustration building up. “Ya pour yer damn heart out to Rufus and his family and here I am left wondering if I matter any more. You fuckin’ cut me out of everything, Jack. I built us a good life here, the life ya made me want for us and you don’t wanna live it. Ya shut yerself up or go off with yer ‘friend’. Yer breakin’ my fuckin’ heart, Jack. What am I supposed to think?”

 

Ennis stood up and paced back and forth over the kitchen floor, wiping his eyes again and trying to look at Jack through his blurred vision. “Do you even love me any more, Jack?” Ennis looked broken, like he’d lost his best friend.

 

“What? How can you ask that?”

 

“Oh, I can ask a lot of things, but I don’t seem to be getting any answers. Do. You. Love. Me? Simple question.”

 

“Of course I do, Ennis.” Although his distance seemed to negate his words and so did the fact that he hadn’t actually said the to him, either. Jack stood back against a kitchen bench, as far away as he could possibly get in the room.

 

“Well, it doesn’t seem that way. Ya can barely say the words to me. You can’t even stand to be near me anymore. You flinch when I touch you. Look at you now, you’re all the way over there.”

 

“It's not like that, Ennis. I want to be with you. It’s just… just that… Oh, fuck it! You don’t understand.”

 

“Again with that shit. What the fuck, Jack?! Of course I fuckin’ don’t and I never will if ya don’t FUCKIN’ talk to me.” Ennis yelled and stalked over to Jack, grabbing him by the arms, looking to all the world like he was ready to throttle Jack.

 

Jack cowered and whimpered at this and looked as if he wanted to crawl up into a little ball. He was shaking uncontrollably, his eyes wide with fright.

 

“D…don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me, Daddy. I promise I’ll be good. Please don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me…please.” Jack cried, tears streaming down his face and a warm trickle finding its way down his pant leg, ghosts of the past coming back to haunt him. “Don’t hurt me.”

 

Jack went limp in Ennis’ arms and slid to the ground, sobbing like a child, wrapping his arms around himself protectively, as if to ward off blows. The memories that had remained hidden for so long had found there way back to Jack. The fear that had ruled him as a child resurfaced and kept him company the last four years. And even now, where he knew he was safe, they could still reach him.

 

 Next part - http://madaboutms.livejournal.com/15820.html

Comments

[torry28.livejournal.com]

I had a feeling there was more to Jacks fears then just the prison and it was the constant fear of being attacked which brought back the horrors of childhood he hid in the deepest part of him. But now it is out and Ennis will have to ask for help because as long as Jack refuses to let it all out, Ennis is to close to Jack he needs professional help besides the love of Ennis and his dear friends.
I wonder, I have a nephew who was abused by his father and watch his mother get beaten, as a child when he felt threatened he would crawl as far into a corner as he could his eyes just stare into space, shaking he would not respond or talk. As he grew older things seemed alright until the bank where he worked was held up and he was threatened he broke down completely and spend many years in therapy. You described Jacks breakdown perfectly.I hope now he can get the help he so desperately needs.
Thank you.
Of to read the next chapter.
Hugs
Torry

[madbottoms.livejournal.com]

It is a terribly sad thing to experience. Childhood trauma and repressed memries have a way of workig their way back into your life.

Asking for help is still something Jack cannot do yet. He still has further to go before he has hit rock bottom.

Hugs

Sandy