madbottoms | It's Not Over

...continuing...

~~~

“Oh, fuck, I don’t know, Rufus. He’s trying so hard and I just can’t seem to let him in. I wanna be with him, yet every time I think I can, I pull back and he’s sufferin' for it. He tries to be intimate with me and I totally freak out.”

“That’s understandable, Jack.”

“And last night, I have a total meltdown - complete with flashbacks - and cower down, only to piss myself.” Jack cringed at the memory. “I thought he was my father. I can still see the look of hurt on Ennis’ face, too. I know he could never hurt me. I’m a fuckin’ freak, Rufus. Maybe I should just leave him now, before I really hurt him.”

“Don’t you fucking think about it, Jack Twist. I know how much you love that man and believe me, you’ll do more harm, to both of you, if you pick up and leave. So you just put that thought out of your head. You got me?”

“You think I really wanna leave him? He’s my fucking life! Other than you, he’s what kept me going inside. I knew that he’d be waiting for me at the end of it. Now he thinks I don’t love him.”

“Have you told him that? Does he know that’s how you feel? Jesus Christ, Jack, have you told the man you love him in all this time?”

“No. And I don’t know why. All I know is that I hurt him bad before I got locked up. Told him he was a liar and a cheat. All because I thought he was cheating on me. He wasn’t, but I still made him feel worthless. I was just feeling so worthless myself. I was seeing things that weren’t there and then I went and fucked it all up. I killed our relationship as sure as I killed that poor soul on the highway that night. Oh, god, I’m so fucked up.” Jack stood up and took a long pull at his beer and started pacing.

“I don’t fucking deserve his love. My daddy was right, I am a worthless waste of space. And they got it right inside. I deserved what they dished out. I was weak and still am.”

“I can’t believe I’m fucking hearing this, Jack. Do you hear what you’re saying? After all you went through to stop thinking like that again, after all we talked about. Hell, even that over-worked prison shrink thought you were breaking through your past. You’re a stronger person than that, kid.”

“Oh, yeah, strong enough to not know when to shut my mouth and get myself beat up to a pulp again, strong enough to need you to protect me. Strong enough to…to… Yeah, I’m strong, alright!”

“Strong enough to ask for help, Jack. You were smart enough to know you couldn’t do it alone. That doesn’t make you weak. Anyone else would have crawled into a corner and taken it, let himself get beat down, but you fought it the only way you knew how. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you all the time. But you need to let Ennis help you now, Jack or maybe you will lose him - maybe even yourself. And we know had that turned out last time, don’t we? You’re stronger than that, ya hear me?”

Jack had been thankful to Rufus for taking him under his wing and educating him on the do’s and don’ts of prison. Rufus kept him safe as much as he could. There had been nights where Jack had called out for Ennis and Rufus had soothed him back to sleep like his mother used to after a bad dream. On many occasions, Rufus told him he needed to be more careful what he said, a boy like him could get himself in trouble if he wasn’t careful. Jack did not broadcast his sexual preference, he wasn’t stupid and he was as careful as he could be. But it didn’t matter whether he was gay or not. The very fact that he breathed was enough to make him enemies.

Being friends with Rufus had not won him any immunity, though, and as much as Rufus tried to protect him, he still needed to be careful to not be alone with any of the undesirables that constantly eyed the ‘fresh meat’. Still they found ways to push him around, beat him up and taunt him, call him names and tell him he was weak and worthless for no reason other than to have a little fun.

~~~

The prison laundry wasn't normally a bad assignment, but this week it was a bitch. Hot, humid air so thick you couldn't see across the room, caused by the old rusty pipes, cracking and splitting, filling the space with an acrid-smelling filth. There was also equipment the plumbers left behind, taking up space and making it hard to manoeuvre around, and there was never enough fucking room to begin with.

Unfortunately, it also provided camouflage for the other inmates to play their games. After numerous trips hauling the full bags of dirty clothes to be dumped in the steaming water, Jack was cornered, caught holding the last bag of his shift. They started taunting him immediately, and the bag trembled in his already over-worked arms, the adrenaline pumping through his tired body. He stood there listening to their hateful words, trying not to react.

“Yeah, Twist, you’re nothing but a worthless piece of shit, weak and a waste of space.” There were three of them, the same three who had taken pleasure in pushing him around previously. Jack looked around for the guard on duty but it seemed he had stepped away conveniently and the others took advantage of it.

More taunts came, “…nothing but a pussy, huh, Twist?” Jack tried to ignore it, even as they pushed him around. “You like being our little punching bag, huh, Twist? Put ya in yer place, ya worthless little fucker…”

“Maybe Rufus should share his little fucktoy ‘round, huh, Twist, ya little faggot. We could have us a real good time.”

Faster than Jack could react, one of his attackers grabbed him from behind and took his arms in a vice-grip. The other two closed in on him menacingly with filthy leers. Jack kicked out frantically, scared out of his mind. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what was about to happen and he wasn’t going down without a fight. He managed to get a kick in and that just made them snicker. They knew they had the better of him and were just playing with him, taunting him some more. Jack just kept lashing out, almost hysterically.

Jack’s body was sweating profusely from the exertions and his mind was working overtime. He screamed curses at his attackers as he struck out, but it just seemed to spur them on more.

“Oh, you’re a frisky one, ain’t ya, Twist. Don’t worry, we’ll tame ya good, won’t we, boys?”

Finally, the playing was over and he felt a punch connecting with his cheek. His head whipped to the side and he fell hard to the ground by the force of the blow. Next he felt hands grabbing at his pants and ripping them down over his ass. Rough sweaty hands squeezed his ass hard, as he lay there dazed.

Jack knew he’d lost; they were just too strong for him. Through the haze in his head he heard belts and zippers being released and as much as he wanted to fight, he just didn’t have the energy. He was concussed badly and he could feel his eye already swelling shut and could taste the metallic flavour of blood in his mouth.

Jack felt himself drifting away, seeking out the space in his head he went to when it all got too much. Just like when he was kid, back in the day when his father ruled his every move. Maybe if he went away it would all seem like a bad dream? He could endure the physical pain, he was used to that.

“Get him on his knees,” The ringleader told his cohorts. They did so with little resistance. Pinching Jack’s ass cheeks roughly, he positioned himself and leaned over Jack’s back and warned, “I’m gonna split you in two, Twist, and I’m gonna make you scream, boy.”

A massive ripple of fear spread through Jack. Up until now, it was just the threat of physical and mental abuse, stuff he had experienced before. But this, this was entirely different and now that it was about to happen, he couldn’t shut it out anymore. As weak as he was, he knew he had to make one last attempt to save himself, even knowing that in doing so, he would lose anyway.

“Yeah, baby, I know what ya need.” Feeling his rapist’s hot breath on his neck, Jack pushed his head back as hard as he could and connected with the man’s nose. The man fell back and he knew he was done for now.

“You little fucker, you’re gonna pay for that.” The leader spat blood on him and what he said next got Jack’s blood boiling. “You worthless fucker, shoulda’ died at birth.”

And they all started laughing and continued to taunt. All he could see was his father standing in front of him taunting him, waving a riding crop at him threateningly and he knew he couldn’t stand it no more. A wave of cold anger spread through him and what happened next was something Jack had been holding in for years. Out of the corner of his good eye he saw an old rusty pipe left behind by the workmen, and with a speed he didn't think possible, grabbed it and struck out at the spectre of his father leaning over him. He used all the strength he had and rose up and brought the pipe down hard, connecting with his assailant’s head. Jack heard a sickening crack and watched with satisfaction as the man collapsed. But he wasn’t happy with that and stood up shakily, continuing to beat the man.

“I hate you, you mother fucker. You’re never gonna fuck with me again, you fucking hear me?” Jack cried in anguish. “I hate you, I hate you.”

The other two men stood motionless for a moment, stunned at what wast happening before getting their wits about them and turning on Jack. He knew what was coming and then it came with such ferociousness that after the first few blows he didn’t feel anything.

He woke up in the infirmary two weeks later and found out he would suffer no permanent physical injuries, but he might have a limp for a while. After the doctor told him he would live, he was locked up in the hole for his nearly killing another inmate but also for his own protection. It didn’t matter that it was in self-defence and he nearly died himself, it was three against one and that’s just how it worked. The strong always win over the weak. That’s what his father taught him.

The Jack that Ennis knew almost died in that hole. It was as if Jack had gone back into the storm cellar of his childhood after another beating from his father and this time he was in the dark for the longest time ever. He would get food and water, but little contact and even less light. Jack was a beaten and broken man. His father had finally managed to beat him down, tear him apart and he felt like dying. Even from the grave, the old man could still make him feel like nothing. The only thing that really kept him alive was a niggling feeling that somewhere out there, someone might love him. But at that point he couldn’t remember whom.

When he was finally let out, he was in a bad way. Jack was catatonic and non-responsive. He was sent back to the infirmary where he remained for another month. During this time, Rufus would visit him and talk to him and tell him to snap out of it. Told him to fight back. Told him he needed to make it so he could finish his time and get back out to Ennis. On and on Rufus would go, until one day Jack finally woke up, like from some nightmare he couldn’t escape from.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jack. You’ll see. You’re a strong man, Jack. Don’t let anyone tell ya any differently. Ya hear me?”

~~~

“Ya hear me, Jack?” Rufus stood to join his friend and put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “You’re worth more than you realise. Those fuckers and your daddy were the weak ones. Your daddy got was coming to him and so did those fuckin’ mongrels in prison. They’re not worth your time, Jack. Don’t let them ruin your life. You need to find a way to let it go and move on. Ennis wants to do that with you and I know you do, too. You just have to let yourself accept that it’s in the past and look to the future. It’s all there in front of you, Jack. You just gotta want it and reach out to the hand that’s being held out for you.”

“I know all this, Rufus, I do.”

“Do ya really?”

“It’s so hard, Rufus. It’s so hard to let go and tell him what it was like, the stuff that happened. I can talk to you because you were there, you understand. I’ve told you more about my life than I ever have to Ennis. I mean, he knows my Daddy was an asshole but I never told him how bad he used to beat up on me and lock me away and he sure as shit don’t know about the fire and how I just stood by and watched while they burned to death.

“Oh, God and my Mama, how could I have just walked away and let her do that? She killed herself and I let her do it. I should have stopped her.” Jack was frantic now, he was falling apart again.

“Jack, stop it. It’s not your fault.” Rufus pulled him close, with an arm around his shoulders and repeated his words. “It’s not your fault, you were just a kid and you did what you were told, what she told you to do. How were you to know she was gonna walk back inside, or if she even did?”

“I knew what she was thinking, Rufus, I knew. I saw it in her eyes.” He sobbed, grabbing onto Rufus, burying his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his friend's waist.

“Ennis is not gonna think you any less of a man for getting away from a bitch of a situation like that. He loves you. You know that man and he would do anything for you. Shit, he waited all those years for you. He visited you whenever he could and without trying to sound cliché, he kept the home fires burning. Give him a chance. Please, Jack, don’t mess this up.”

“Oh, God Rufus, I don’t know what to fuckin’ do.”

“Well, first thing ya can do is take yer fuckin’ hands offa him, Jack ‘fuckin’ Twist.”

~~~

TBC

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It's Not Over - Chapter 8b

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