It's Not Over - Chapter 12b

[madbottoms]

 and continuing...

~~~

It seemed like hours later when Jack finished talking. His throat was hoarse from crying and his mouth dry. His face was tear streaked and red and Ennis wasn’t much better off. They both also sported various bruising from their previous tumbling around.

 

“Fine pair ‘o deuces we are, huh, Rodeo?” Ennis chuckled.

 

“I reckon we are, Cowboy.”

 

They both smiled fondly at the names they’d so affectionately and easily called each other over the years. It just felt so right.

 

“Let’s go get cleaned up.” Ennis took Jack’s hand and relished in the fact that Jack didn’t flinch at his touch. He raised it to his lips and pressed a kiss into it and his heart melted at the smile on Jack’s face.

 

After cleaning the blood and tears they settled around the fire, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. It was the most relaxed either of them had been in a very long time. It felt good. It felt right.

 

“You know,” Ennis started, “I used to come up here when you were gone. I came up here to feel closer to you, but it only made me feel as if you were even further away. I couldn’t see you, be with you like I wanted and it hurt so much. But I had to stay strong for you and for me.

 

“See over there?” Ennis pointed out over the meadow below. “That’s where I found our start. Wild horses running over the field and I managed to get some of them for us. It's what I've been doing again, what's kept me sane.”

 

“At least one of us was. I haven’t been sane for a very long time.” Jack sighed and watched the sky, not looking at anything in particular, but just looking.

 

They stayed silent for a time but Ennis knew the biggest question on Jack’s mind was coming and he was ready for it.

 

“Ennis? What have you been doing these past six months besides that? I mean, you never called, not once. I kinda thought you mighta’ dropped in from time to time.”

 

“I came up here because I knew that you would find me here eventually. I didn’t know how long it was gonna take ya, but I was always gonna be here waiting. As much as it hurt to be up here alone, it also helped me because this is the only place, other than the farm, that felt right to me. I thought I'd go crazy without you and the business. I went through stages, ya know. After I went through being angry at you, I was angry at myself and then I was sad for a while before I just resigned myself to the fact that I was here and you were there. For the time being, I had to make do with life the way it was and just get on with it. The stock I’ve managed to wrangle again up here have actually made their way to our farm.” Ennis smirked at Jack’s obvious confusion.

 

“What? But I haven’t seen hide or hair of you in six months. I would have known.”

 

“Now hold up, Jack! From what I hear, you weren’t really there for some of it.”

 

Jack stiffened at the innuendo in that statement, even if it was true. “How the hell would you know that? You were up here,” Jack accused indignantly.

 

Ennis didn’t bite back at Jack’s resentful barb but remained calm. Not wanting to start an argument. “I've been around, Jack. You just never saw me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Ya see, I could never give up on ya, Rodeo. As much as you thought I left you, I never did. Rufus and I were in contact and he filled me in on what was happening. Ya don’t know how much I wanted to come back, so many times, especially in those first months when Rufus told me how bad you were doing, but he reminded me I was doing it for you.

 

“So I would give Rufus advice on what needed to be done so you had the backup there you needed to keep the place running until you got yourself sorted. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you did. Tell ya what; it damn near broke my heart every time Rufus told me how bad things were for a while there. But then he would tell me that things were looking up for ya.

 

“You really do have a good friend in that man. I’m glad he’s your friend, well ‘our’ friend as he kept tellin’ me. He really stepped in when he was needed. I owe him so much for how much he’s helped us. And I will admit that I was a mite jealous there for a while. I’m man enough to admit that. I shouldn’t have been and I’m sorry.”

 

“Ennis... you never had any reason to be jealous.”

 

“I know that, Jack. But I was hurting and you wouldn’t tell me what was happening and I just thought... well you know what I thought. But I realised that I was being stupid and that wasn’t the case. But that day at Rufus’, I just saw red and it all just went downhill from there.

 

“After about a week, I phoned Rufus and we arranged to meet and we organised things from there.

 

“It got better for me when I knew you were doing better. And I would see you in the street downtown sometimes with a bit more of a bounce in your step and I knew you were getting better.”

 

“What? When? Why didn’t you call out to me?” Jack asked, hurt clear in his voice.

 

“I had to let you keep going. I had to let you come to me. You know that.”

 

“Yeah, I know that, Ennis.” Jack admitted honestly. “I reckon it would have been too much back then. I had to be ready.”

 

“Yeah. But you know, Jack, it still killed me that you pushed me away all that time, no matter what the problem was. I knew you needed help and I wasn’t the one to do it, and that’s what hurt the most, too, I think. I was blaming you for everything and then myself and as much as I wanted to hate you, I never stopped loving you or wanting you."

 

"No, don't start the blame game, Ennis. We'll be going 'round in that circle forever if we do. Let's just say we both were at fault, even though the bulk of it was me. I'm okay with that, and you need to be, too. We won't get passed it if we hold onto it. One thing I learned in therapy is to push through, so you can move on from it. And Ennis, I need you to be honest with me, even about your anger and disappointment. We’ve made a good start so far I think. We can do this, but it has to be open and honest, or it will never work. I know that’s a lot to ask coming from me after all the crap but I hope we can both get past that now.

 

“My counsellor, Lisa, showed me that. She truly has helped me open my eyes and helped me get rid of my ghosts. She made me realise that I wasn’t to blame and that we were both victims of my past. I just had to come to grips with it on my own terms first. I'm glad I made the choice to see her, and she truly has done wonders with me."

 

"I hope you mean that in the professional sense, darlin'."

 

That one word, so lovingly spoken, was a balm for Jack's soul. ‘Darlin'’. Oh, how he'd longed to hear that, all these months apart.

 

“Of course, you fool,” Jack laughed and punched Ennis playfully.

 

“Like I said, I’m doing much better now, and I know I still have a few things to sort out. We need to sort some things out. I want to be with you, Ennis, and I hope you will accept me back into your life. I hurt you and I am truly sorry for that, but I think we can work it out and I’m ready to begin that sweet life with you, if you'll still have me.

 

“One thing Lisa suggested was couples therapy. Would you come with me?”

 

“I… whatever you need, Jack. I'd like that, and I think it's just what we need.”

 

“Thank you, Ennis. But before we go any further, I have something for you.”

 

“Oh, what’s that?”

 

“Part of my therapy was to keep a journal of my feelings and such and I got used to writing in it a lot. Another thing was to write letters to the major players in my life.” Jack pulled a folded envelope from his back pocket and handed it to Ennis. “I’m gonna go take care of Sunny, okay? I’ll be back in a bit.” Jack touched Ennis’ face softly, got up and walked over to where Sunny was, leaving his partner to stare at the paper in his hands.

 

Ennis’s hands trembled slightly as he slowly, almost reverently opened the envelope. He did it so carefully, as if it would fall apart in his hands, as if he held Jack’s fragile soul in his bare hands.

 

~~~

 

TBC

 

Comments

It's Not Over Chapter 12a and b

[bmshirts.livejournal.com]

Nice to see Jack finding Ennis and their beginning to renew their love for each other. I hope it continues.
Thanks. Carole

Re: It's Not Over Chapter 12a and b

[madbottoms.livejournal.com]

Hey Carole

Well that was quick.

Yeah it's good that they're finally on track again. Thanks for reading.

Hugs
Sandy

It is not over

[argentine65.livejournal.com]

Well, Jack found Ennis in their place. Ennis was a broken and sour man because all he had done was for Jack and the healing was only to come from a new Jack and that was only possible with time. This chapter is awesome and I am so glad they were able to talk to each other and now there is the letter. Thank you so much. I really love this story. Martha

[taranryan-13.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see Ennis again. So Ennis went to Brokeback. Ennis was so hurt by everything Jack did he went to one place where everything started for them. I am surprise to see Rufus and Ennis was in touch about the farm and how was Jack doing. Ennis keeping tabs on Jack was nice and for Jack to not know was a surprise to him. I am glad Jack knew where to find him and to get him to come back home. I am looking forward to the next chapter to see what in the letter.

Hope you update soon.

Neyla

[annabuffy.livejournal.com]

So glad that Jack is healing and putting the past behind him. Also, it's good that he finally had that very overdue talk with Ennis and told him everything. Don't blame Ennis for being so hurt, hope that they can work everything out and get back to their sweet life together.

[pjgale.livejournal.com]

(: PJ

[fl1789.livejournal.com]

I love the way you write!!
and i like the direction this is going, the boys seem they're finding their way together...I'm so glad!

thank you for sharing this great story with your readers

love,

FL.

[bbmbeliever.livejournal.com]

I'm dying to know what the letter says!!!! I'm glad they are going to be ok. Update soon please!

[torry28.livejournal.com]

I imagined this scene in my head so many times including Ennis dropping the dishes but my imagination had Jack fall into his arms and yours was so much better because as much as Ennis wanted to embrace Jack he had to be sure and they needed to talk.and talk they did and both cried and it hurt to read it and just about broke me to read that letter to Jacks Mama, and I know its going to be harder still to read the one to Ennis but I'm looking forward to it if we are permitted into Jacks soul. Six month is a long time especially seeing Jack from the distance and wanting so bad to be with him but restraining himself because Ennis knew Jack needed the time to heal and grow, that in itself is the greatest gift of love Ennis given to Jack.I can see their love for each other to be stronger yet and nothing can ever come between them again living or dead. Ennis staying on the mountain the tent their fighting and the bloodied shirts ,"It's because of you I"m like this" all reminders where life for Jack and Ennis began and I'm overjoyed it is they same place life for them will go on bodies reacquaint and heart and soul once again beat as one. Your story is one of the most heartbreaking to read but so true to life and spellbinding. I'm holding my breath afraid to read further and compelled to go on and hot tears run down my face, "Little Darlin," those words were not only heart stopping for Jack to hear but for me too.
Thank you I'm just so overwhelmed it was awesome the best.
Hugs
Torry

Almost forgot, thank you for the song it was so fitting.

[acquaalta.livejournal.com]

So Jack found Ennis. Puhh ... that's a relieve.
Though Ennis' first reaction wasn't too promising. Totally understandable nonetheless.
I am glad they started talking about everything. And I am glad Jack gave him the letter. Well, quite a cliffhanger there.
You worked in the other letters quite well.
Thank you for the new chapter.
All the best, B.

[brokeback1963.livejournal.com]

My Beautiful Mama,

I just don't know where to start. This is so hard for me, because I can't think of you without choking up.

I love you. I miss you every minute of every day, and would give anything asked of me, if I could just give you one more hug. If I could just smell your perfume one more time; if I could lay my head in your lap just once more, and feel your hand brush over my hair; if I could feel your lips on my brow, please, just once more. I want to feel your arms around me, hugging me close to you, and most of all, I want to see you smile at me when I tell you I love you.

Uncle Harold did right by me, I want you to know that. You did real good sending me to him, but I still would've given anything to have you back. My heart aches for you, Mama. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can still hear your voice, your sweet voice telling me everything would be okay.

God, Mama, I've needed you in my life like you wouldn't believe. I messed up good, and I paid for it... but you know what? I think I'm finally on the right path, with the person who loves me, so fiercely, and whom I love more than my own life. He's a wonderful man, Mama. I know you'd love him, too, and accept us for who we are.

I wish I could talk to you, to share my life now with you. I still dream about you, and I talk to you out loud sometimes, even though it's not the same. My heart is so full of love to give, and I will always keep a special part tucked away, just for you.

Thank you for being my Mama...

I love you.

Jack
**


Oh God, Sandy, that's the most BEAUTIFUL thing I've ever read. The most amazing precious declaration of love I've ever seen. Damn, I think I've read it over 9 times now, and I've cried my eyes out so bad every time...
I was at work first time I read it and I tell you that I didn't give a damn about my boss standing near to me...I started to cry like a baby.
I think that's what every mama wanted to hear. It sounds totally like a thing our Jack would say to his mama, and it melted and broke my heart so hard. Poor baby, and poor mama.

Sorry so much if I can not make much sense right now...I'm still overwhelmed and, silly weak of me, crying like a school girl or an old woman, I don't know which one.

VERY GORGEOUS chapter, hon, totally breathtaking. I love it. Finally some joy for our boys, after so much pain and sadness. I loved their wonderful conversation; I loved that Ennis was always near his Jack, and I loved that they are going to see a counselor together. Yeah, many things to figure out still, but they are on their way. I'm so proud of them.

I'll be sad when this story ends, but I hope you write another one soon.

Thank you so much for this. You really touched my heart.

Lots of love.

Tammy.

[ramona4jake.livejournal.com]

I was waiting and hoping for this! I don't know if, being in Ennis' place, I could've waited for so long - 6 months !! But love is a force of nature.... I can only imagine what will be in Ennis' heart after reading that "labor of love" !
Thank you, wonderful up-date !

[bentgyro.livejournal.com]

I've been waiting for this chapter and it was wonderful and I am so happy that Jack went to find Ennis and that he was waiting. Now, of course, I am waiting on the next chapter! Wonderful story!
Thanks!
HT

[haljbg.livejournal.com]

Jack's letter to his mom was heartbreaking. I am happy that Jack was ready to go after Ennis. Think Ennis' reaction was understandable after all the hurt. But now it looks they are on a good way to start their life together again.
Thank you Carole
Emmy

[adahleah.livejournal.com]

finally the boys are back together... but what does the letter say??

[mira986.livejournal.com]

~I'm so happy to see a new chapter of this, and so happy to see that they're finding their way back together. Jack needed time, and I'm glad that Ennis understood it. He had a hard time too, being away, even though he needed to be away.

Now, I can't wait to see a new chapter! I hope you'll be able to update soon.~

Mira

[bbmjack324.livejournal.com]

But I had to stay strong for you and for me....

“Ya see, I could never give up on ya, Rodeo. As much as you thought I left you, I never did.

So good to know.

[whitelily59.livejournal.com]

Another heart wrenching guilt trip to the past..
Pass the tissues! That was beautiful.

-Lily

[yvonne07.livejournal.com]

Hi Sandy,
I don't want to rush you at all, but I'm just curious. Is there another chapter of this beautiful story coming or does it end here?
I liked your poem 'Stamp it out'!
Hugs,
Yvonne from Holland